This is what I was afraid of.
As a woman, in a second marriage, when I realized that I wanted out of the relationship/marriage, I also had to acknowledge the fact that I might be sending myself and my kids back into the poor house. I had been a single mom before. And to be completely honest- it was awful. The worst. But it’s kind of like pregnancy in the way that you forget how much it sucked and just remember the freedom, the control, and the fun. At the time I had complete confidence that I could do it. I didn’t need any ones help. “I’ve got this”
I have been accused of having a “lone wolf” attitude. After my second divorce, abandoning an amazing man, who loved me and my kids more that I could reciprocate, my sister called me and scolded me. She pleaded with me, asking why I have to be the “lone wolf” and…
“Why do you have to make thing harder for yourself, Angelique?”
Fuck man, isn’t that a question for the gods? It’s not just in my failed marriages, it’s a general mentality I have that when I see two paths, I think, “that one looks safe, practical, secure… but, fuck it- I’m a do the other one- the one that looks like it will probably murder me. Perfect.”
I had spent most of my life up to this point, trying to be what the world around me told me I should be, look the part, play the part and everyone will like me. In my second marriage, I conceded myself into the comfort of love and perceived acceptance. I know that I was me at the beginning. I don’t know the exact point that I faded into my surroundings. Eighteen months into my marriage, and 5 years into my relationship I realized I had painted myself into a facade. I was unhappy, and I knew I had to escape it, but also knew that once I climbed out I was going to break the rest of the facade around me, and I did. The whole thing crumbled, and it was all my fault.
My family was pissed, most of my friends (majority of which were his friends) had a hard time understanding, those friendships disintegrated. I found myself feeling very alone. I sought romantic relationships to fill that void. The wish that if I could find a partner to shoulder the burden of life with that I would be happy. Broken cycle breakdown. A bad habit of adopting someone else’s life instead of building my own. I know that I do it, and I don’t like it. The one place where I have been choosing the easy path, and then realizing I’m on the wrong path, walking back to the beginning, and then starting up the wrong path again.
I am aware of what is happening. And I am working to break this broken cycle that I have been stuck in. I am building that life that I’ve been postponing. A life that is mine, not someone else’s. With friends who love and accept me, challenge me to be better while loving my ridiculous, bat shit, honest and open self. I have shifted my focus from sexual relationships to friendships. And in the last 15 months I have invested in some incredible friendships, with the most amazing people. And it’s making me a better person.
“Last night I woke the fuck up, realized I need you here, as desperate as that sounds, yeah.” – Jon Bellion
I’m learning that it is not a weakness to need people. To build relationships where the love and support is symbiotic. In death it takes several men to carry an empty body to it’s final resting place. Why did I think that I could carry a body full of love and ambition, stress and setbacks, all on my own. Turns out it is great to have friends. And when you find/build your tribe- you hold each other up, right where you need to be.
You breath, eat, love, smoke weed, laugh with neighbors…
walk on the ground, breath in the air, soak up the sun and love.
Love so much. As much as you can possibly send into the universe.
Angelique Dagger 