Many of you may know hope as being a great motivator, driving people to push boundaries, grow, and excel. And while I am familiar with that side of hope, that is not what I am going to talk with you about… I want to speak on the other side of hope, the side attached to expectations… “The hope trap”.
So…. Hope and I go way back. We’ve had our ups and downs. When I was a kid, I thought HOPE was the BEST! Lets all be HOPEFUL!!! My understanding of hope was an overwhelmingly positive, and unquestioned belief that if I “hoped” and prayed I could get what I wanted. Whether that was passing a test, a love interest talking to me, or resolutions to family hardships. Even though ‘hope’ was always expressed as a positive word, it always led to a let down.
I like words. I like learning random facts about words and music. They’re things I’m into, so naturally, when I was asked to speak about HOPE I turned to google to define the word, and I found:
Short Definition: hope, expectation-
Long Definition: hope, expectation, trust, confidence.”
And I thought to myself… Are “expectations” good?
…Then I looked up the etymology of the word.
Old English hopian “have the theological virtue of Hope; hope for (salvation, mercy), trust in (God’s word),”
Some suggest a connection with hop (v.) on the notion of “leaping in expectation”
“Expectations”… There’s that word again, a continuing theme… and I can’t help but ask myself if “leaping to expectations” has ever been a “positive” thing.
I mentioned before that “hope” and I go way back… I was a wife & mother by the tender age of 19. I hadn’t planned to be a mother, but as Ani Difranco said it…
"i didn’t really want a baby and i guess that i had a choice but i just let it grow inside me that persistent little voice"
I struggled to connect with her from the time she was an infant. I wanted it so bad, and I tried desperately to connect with her, but nothing worked.
And when Sophia was 3 she was diagnosed with Autism. This is when my relationship with Hope really changed. I hoped for a cure. I hoped for her to get “better” to be “healed” but basically I wanted her “fixed” …
I wanted a cure so bad I could taste it. I would have signed my soul to the devil if it meant curing her Autism. I wanted to hear her talk to me. I wanted her to tell me she loved me. I spent precious years of her life thinking that it was my job to work towards realizing that hope.
You may think, “of course it is! help find a cure!” but Hope is not always a solo traveler, hope can bring her homie “expectations” with her. And expectations lead to Disappointments… Let downs.
In that mental cage of “hope” I was really stuck in my own expectations, missing out on my child. I focused so much on what I wanted to help her become I didn’t recognise her for who she is. Other people would tell me how amazing she is and I would think
“why doesn’t Sophia show me that sweet person everyone else sees”
But it wasn’t HER, it was ME.
I always had expectations for her, to talk, to listen and respond, to “behave”, to meet my agenda. Those fucking expectations, disguised as ‘Hope’.
I look back at that and I me feel ashamed for wanting to change her.
Some people think of hope as being this endless optimism. And I think that’s bullshit.
Hope can be a beautiful thing, but be wary, be skeptical. I don’t believe anything is inherently good or bad. Life is entirely too dementional to be so over-simplified. I think “hope” can be a trap. It can suck you into its expectation vortex and your “hope” just becomes disappointment.
I believe happiness comes from acceptance, and it’s better to be optimistic than to be hopeful.
But that’s just this gals opinion.
Angelique Dagger 